I drafted a poem

tonight that goes along with Kayla's thoughts below.

I "blogged" it on my own blog, but saw that it fit Kayla's words.

Maybe your words. Maybe our words.

We're all into advent, I can tell.

And we're all feeling longings, I can tell.

We've been plunged into a time of aching,

making the hoping part harder.

But also making the hoping part much more REAL.

Without grief or discontentedness, hope cannot be present.

So here we go. We're being given an opportunity to hope. Huh boy.

Here is my poem. And the more I write things like this and think things like this, the easier it is to not dwell so solidly inside my self-pity. Hope is a discipline. Hm.

Today, my heart aches

amid my thoughts of thanks. Thirst

for rest and relationship

drains me dry --

all thoughts are needle pricks

that pick my threads of gratitude

until I begin to unravel.

Hope, you are the theme.

I bow my head

to your high ways. You

say yes when I feel maybe.

You say wait when I feel weep.

You say rest when I feel struggle.

You see the hands that hold you

when I am blind.

I ache. But.

But know that aches speak

of remedies.

That longings speak

of fulfillment. That yesterday's joy

affirms the joy to come.

Unravelled. Aching: I hope.

Hopeful Laments

This is a little of what I was trying to articulate tonight in our small group. Its from my journal, but its applicable.

I feel overwhelmed lately with a sense of grief and sadness. I don't think i'm clinically depressed or anything, but I cry ALOT. If I've counted correctly, minus Thanksgiving break (where I think I was too busy to cry), I have cried everyday for the past month.

Certain things just set me off... Alot of it has been my own dealings with relationships, while other times its the sadness/brokenness around me. I'm just easily touched these days.

I don't think its bad that I can cry at the drop of a hat for the things outside of myself but the things inside of me, I feel aren't right. And every time it happens I get even more frustrated as to why I can't stop crying. I don't like feeling out of control of what's happening to me, but I know there is purpose in it.

I don't want to be a needy person. I want to feel that I can stand with the Lord by my side through anything. And maybe that's it. Maybe God is teaching me to take hold of Him in a more intimate way. But it really hurts to feel like I have to loose my other relationships to do that. I don't like feeling alone and I don't think its healthy to feel that way. I know there is a healthy medium between relying on God for everything and relying on humans, I just can't seem to find it.

I interviewed my Social Work friend, Robert Ayres this morning for a class. He brought up a good point that I feel applies to my sadness these days. It went something like... "You can't deal with the broken population unless you deal with your own brokenness first." Not that you have to be all fixed and perfect, but having a past in something and then trying to help others heal is not proper. Its like being on a plane where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone around you. Its not selfish to try to save your own life, but its necessary if you want to survive long enough help the person next to you. So if I think I'm going to help people relationally, I have to walk through the fire and figure all this stuff out for myself before getting to that point where I can be the most helpful.

In the midst of Advent, the whole mourning for the brokenness and sadness around me makes sense. Bobby Gross in his book Living the Christian year, describes advent as a time for songs and groans. We mourn for the broken world, but we joyfully sing of the coming King who is here to restore such brokenness. He has come and is coming to fix what is broken. Matthew 5 talks about how Christ did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. It talks about the heart behind the things that we do and how broken we are on the inside before our thoughts even come into action. And at the end of the chapter we are called to be "perfect as your Father is perfect." How do we do that? I don't know yet.

So I guess this grief feeling is a curse and a blessing. Its given me this perspective of how Christ came to fix what is broken, and to truly feel that something is broken and needs fixing... so Christmas is worth the wait because of that. But its still not easy knowing that the world is so very broken, I am still so very broken and the time has not yet come for all things to be fixed.

"So sing and let your songs be joyful longings; groan and let your cries be hopeful laments."
-Bobby Gross

"...in due season"

...all look to you,
to give them their food in due season.
When you give it to them, they gather it up;
when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.
When you hide your face, they are dismayed;
when you take away their breath, they die
and return to their dust.
When you send forth your Spirit, they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

Psalm 104:27-30

All of creation depends on God's grace; all yearns for salvation.

"in due season"

This is a season for spiritual food. He will feed us with His hope and joy and love.

His hand is slowly opening and we are eager to gather and fill.

His face is slowly coming out of hiding and it is the face of an infant.

With baby's first cry his breath will rush back into world's dust and Spirit will recreate us.

Renewal comes with Christmas.

Come, Lord Jesus, Come.

Day Two: JOY

Joy is the focus of today's reading in Isaiah. There is so much JOY among brokenness because we know God will come and save us.

"say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you!"
Isaiah 35:4

Amongst the pain and sorrow that people have been experiencing, there is constant joy and trust that God will heal the broken and save us.

a cord not quickly broken

This week I had the pleasure to visit my sister in southern California. Among many great things, we went to church together today. In service, the pastor spoke about Ecclesiastes, a familiar tone of how life is meaningless but not a common book preached about. It was a very somber service, but I loved the heart of it. He began by giving a general outline of Ecclesiastes and how life is meaningless, our toil is vanity, and basically nothing is guaranteed to us. We believe that if we work for something or work hard for a goal, we should obtain that goal, and receive good things. Yet, it is clear in scripture and from living life for 20 plus years that, that just isn't the case. He continued just laughing because nothing we do really can get us anywhere. We aren't guaranteed anything in this life.

He then turned the service onto a different note, directing us to think about the promises we can believe in. The pastor pointed to a few verses in Ecclesiastes about not being alone, picking one another up, and encouraging one another. Nothing is guaranteed in our lives, but we have family and friends that God has placed in our lives to live in community with. We must embrace one another and celebrate in our relationships, because that is the only thing guaranteed in our lives; the relationship with people and with God. Throughout scripture Jesus is clear that we must spend time with him. He even said when he was on this earth, that the poor would always be with us, but he wouldn't be. This gives perspective of how we should embrace the relationship we have with Christ and with others.

I left service, and California, thinking about how thankful I am for you guys and other people God has placed in my life. I also redirected my focus on the beauty and peacefulness of sitting in the presence of God. This was a perfect way to begin Advent redirecting my focus on Christ and our relationship.

Day One

Learning to Adjust the Camera Lense

My first passage was Psalm 103, and you know what? Anna Holliday texted me about that very passage a few days ago! So I had already prepped.

I'm DROWNING under a homework load right now, and let me tell you... I want to WHINE like a baby. But then I compare... in a better way. I realize how much I have loved school and how much I love these classes... I realize how AWFUL my workload was all semester last fall... I remember how great my family seems to be doing under the circumstances... I think about my cozy work space on the couch in peace and quiet. Then I'm thankful!

Then I pull the lense out wider and see my life in the timeline of ETERNITY. And I pan down and see Christ being born so that I could do my work to prepare my heart and mind for Christian life. And the more I pan out with my camera eyes, the smaller I become, and the fuller I feel. What a honey sweet perspective.

So I smirk as Jars of Clay soul-sings "I'll Fly Away", and I continue to work.

Advent: Day One

Today was the first day of Advent. I'm doing Isaiah, so intercession is the focus. I started out reading Isaiah 11:1-10. This was such a cool passage. Things that popped out were that the one coming has the Spirit of God, has the Spirit of healing, the Spirit of understanding, the Spirit of power, and the Spirit of fear of the Lord. Also, at the end it says that the one that is coming will be a banner for for all people and will be a marvelous place of rest. This passage was so beautiful to me and was really helpful during my time of prayer. While I was praying, I was reminded of all the pain people around me are going through or have gone through. In spite of this, Christ is all powerful and nothing is impossible with him. The time of intercession reminded me of the essence of Advent, which is waiting patiently and earnestly for Christ to heal all of the hurt and be a place of rest.